


Hidden Places

by Napping



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Kid Fic, M/M, Secrets, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-22 10:37:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22914871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Napping/pseuds/Napping
Summary: Not telling his co - workers that Eddie was a father, had seemed like a good idea at the time. It had been. Eddie hadn't counted on falling in love with Buck, though. He also hadn't planned that they would get together, in a long term relationship. Buck was scared of commitment, after all. It was common knowledge. He would leave Eddie when he found out about Christopher, surely.Unfortunately, that didn't change the fact that Eddie did have a son.Buck is meanwhile on a quest to find happiness. He may find a whole family on the way.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 108





	Hidden Places

”Ok,” Buck learned back against the couch, rubbing his eyes. It was only 10 at night but today’s shift had been exhausting on both of them. Buck was glad that Eddie has come over afterwards but he knew that he’d be ready to fall into his bed and be asleep in the matter of seconds right when Eddie’s left. ”What is your favourite color?”

Buck turned his head and faced Eddie, who was now frowning at him. ”What?” He laughed, raising his hands in question. ”Why are you asking that?”

”Oh, somebody has all his walls up, good I didn’t start with a more personal question,” Buck huffed out and took his bottle from the coffee table. ”It’s called getting to know you. I need to know all the basics, obviously. So I can brag at the station with all the knowledge I’ve collected about the new guy.”

”I’ve been with the team for 3 months, I’m hardly the new guy, Buck,” Eddie scoffed and finished his beer.

”Did anyone join the the station after you have?” Buck asked and clicked his bottle against Eddie’s. ”Didn’t think so. That makes you the new guy.”

”Sure,” Eddie answered sarcastically and leaned his head against the head rest of the couch, still facing Buck.

”So, mine is red.”

”Of course it is,” Eddie answered, with a little smile around his mouth. Buck cocked his head to the side and raised his eyebrows when Eddie didn’t add anything else.

”Is there any particular reason you treat the information what your favourite color is like high security intel?” Buck laughed and shoved Eddie’s shoulder playfully.

Eddie looked at him silently for a second longer and then blew out a breath. ”It’s orange.”

”That’s not a favourite color,” Buck answered immediately, through an easy laugh.

Eddie sat back up and looked at him with raised eyebrows. ”Oh,” he said in an ironic tone. ”Excuse me?”

Buck sat up. ”Who the fuck has fucking orange as their favourite color.”

”Many swear words for a discussion about a color,” Eddie deadpanned. ”Sorry, I didn’t realise it was primary colors only.”

Buck shook his head laughing. ”Dude, pick pink for all I care but orange? What even- favourite fruit? Sure, yes, pick oranges. But color? Are you sure?”

”I cannot believe you really found the nerve and strength to make fun of my favourite color.”

Buck starred at Eddie for a moment and then he laughed again about the other man’s amusedly confused expression. ”Man, orange.”

And that was how it started really. A friendship so deep and honest, Buck didn’t think he’s ever had that before.

Buck has never been somebody who was really close to a lot of people. He was always trying to find his place, find where he belong, but it’s always seemed like it just wasn’t meant to be. He hated feeling lonely, but he’s never hated being alone. He had adjusted to the fact that sometimes his best company was nobody but himself. So he ended up surrounded by many people, often, but seldom the same people for a long time. They changed, he changed, they moved on, he never did. Not really.

The team, though, that was different. It needed to be. It felt like it. For the first time in his life he didn’t worry that he might turn around and everything could be gone. Thinking like this might exactly be the reason why he just didn’t do serious commitment. He knew where he was at, priority wise, for people. It was a battle he really shouldn’t pick, details he really shouldn’t look into.

But he was doing fine. As of now, he felt closer to having finally found his place than he’s ever had. He could be who he was and people had to stay. It didn’t hurt that they also really genuinely seemed to care for him, too.

”Who put iced tea in the fridge?” Chimney asked and turned around to the rest of them, sitting by the table.

”It’s mine!” Buck called out with an easy smile. Nowadays he was pretty confident his smile was actual genuine. It had been a mask for a long time. Had been when his father had kicked him out, when his friends seemed to leave one by one, had been when he decided to leave the Navy and all he got as responses were scoffed _Go figure_. He’d learned a long time ago that smiling was the best way to keep people from seeing just how much he was carrying with him. A smile, that used to hide much and say little, but now, might actually be real.

”There is so much sugar in there, you know that?” Chimney asked and walked over to them, carrying the bottle. ”You should just make it yourself, with some honey.”

Buck raised his eyebrows and leaned back in his chair. ”Since when do you care what I put into my body? Last time I checked, you dared me to eat an entire plate of brownies.”

”It’s cause I bet him that you couldn’t,” Hen chimed in and drank out of her glass innocently.

”I only couldn’t do it because Eddie had also saved me banana bread, which I ate right before,” Buck defended himself and then pointed an accusing fork at Eddie. ”It’s all your fault.”

Eddie raised his hands and laughed softly. ”Got it, next time I won’t save you any.”

”Hey, let’s not get hasty here, Diaz,” Buck rushed to say with a laugh. ”I take it back, I’ll just blame Chim.”

”What did I do? I’ve already lost the bet, I suffered enough.” Chimney reached across the table and grabbed the salt.

”You were the one freaking out over iced tea,” Buck shrugged and reached for the bottle that Chimney brought with him.

”All I said was that it was in the fridge,” Chimney called and then took it out of Buck’s hands to show him the chart on its side. ”And how much sugar it has.”

Buck rolled his eyes, took it back and filled his glass with his iced tea, with a cocky grin. ”Ok, mom.”

Before Chimney could argue though, the alarm rang through the station and had all of them out of their chairs.

_”So, what is your favourite animal?”_

_”Lion. Yours?”_

_Buck nodded and knocked against Eddie’s shoulder. ”Lion! Solid.”_

”I don’t know, Bobby.” Buck looked up at his captain and shrugged helplessly. He just hoped the other man would help him out. Sometimes, he just needed somebody to spell out for him what he really wanted. He knew that it was a problem he was having. He was always focused on what he was doing right and what he was doing wrong and what he wanted _right this_ second, and never really thought much about later. As long as there were a few nights of sleep between the him now and the him of the future, there was no hurry for him to think too hard about things. It was too complicated. Buck shrugged again, seeking eye contact with Bobby. He just needed a little shove into the right direction, that was all.

”I thought you liked Belle?” Bobby smiled understandingly at him. It was a good feeling to know that he was not alone. Bobby might not be in his skin and this was definitely not his problem at all, but he always made it sound like it was. He faced Buck’s problems as if they were his own and Buck didn’t have the words to tell him how thankful he was for that.

”I thought so too!” Buck exclaimed and ran his hands through his hair. ”But after everything with Abby ended so- well. I just don’t know. I don’t know what I am searching for.”

”Well, what do you want to find?” Bobby asked. He made it sound so easy. Buck crossed his arms over his chest and frowned. What _was_ he searching for? And why?

”I don’t know,” Buck repeated for the third time. He felt like he was making progress nonetheless. ”Everything with Abby happened so fast. I was in too deep, and then we lived together and took care of her mother and then she was just gone. I am still here.”

”So, you and Belle didn’t feel serious enough? Didn’t have the same rush to it?” Bobby asked. Buck admired him for always finding the right questions to make Buck’s brain actually work on finding the right thought process. He just needed that little guidance. It was like maths. As long as he knew exactly what he had to solve and with which formula, he could do it no problem. Actually finding out what the problem was, though? That was the harder part.

”Yes, but I don’t think that was the reason.” Buck sighed and uncrossed his arms to shove them into the pockets of his pants. ”It felt pretty serious. But I don’t think I want that right now. Abby’s mother was a lot of responsibility.”

”You want something that is less adult?” Bobby concluded and looked at him with friendly eyes. Buck couldn’t help the weak smile pulling at the corners of his mouth, when he saw that there was not even the slightest hint of judgement in the other man’s eyes. He should be used to it by now. He should have understood by now, that that was exactly what a team, a family was supposed to be. Not judgmental, no matter what. Always there when he needed them. He _knew_ that, theoretically. But he doubted that he’d ever view it as something that could be taken for granted. It shouldn’t be.

”Exactly!” Buck called and grinned at Bobby and then rushed to add: ”I’m not about to go back to being Buck 1.0, I promise. I’m just not trying to tie myself down right now. I don’t think I am in the right mental state to actually, really commit 100% to somebody and all their responsibilities.” It wasn’t not true. He knew that he had a lot going on himself and he just didn’t want to let somebody else down by not being able to be the person they needed. In the end, everybody seemed to realise that and leave him behind and he just couldn’t do that anymore. He just wanted to be happy.

Buck nodded to himself. He just wanted to be _happy._

”There is nothing wrong with that, Buck,” Bobby laid a hand on his shoulder and squeezed reassuringly. ”As long as you know what you want or don’t want and also communicate that to all of your partners.”

Buck rolled his eyes playfully and laughed. ”I know, communication is key.”

”Now you’re getting it.”

_”Favourite holiday?”_

_”Christmas. Just spending the whole day with your family, cuddled up together. It’s so full with love.”_

_”Well, now you just make me look bad for saying Halloween.”_

_”It’s hardly a holiday, Buck.”_

_”You should know that seeing me in a sexy pirate outfit is a holiday, thank you very much.”_

_”Sure it is.”_

When Buck thought about his conversation with Bobby later, he felt like he did get it. But also, it was easier said than done. It was easy to meet people who weren’t out for something serious. But sometimes, not even that was what Buck was searching for. His chat with Bobby helped him, yes, but it also made him question a few more things. Like where he wanted to be when he turned 28, 29, 30? The whole conversation reminded him painfully of the fact that you didn’t have to be unhappy to not be happy. He wasn’t unhappy per se. But he was a far cry away from where he wanted to be and he had no idea where that even was. He kept on living for tomorrow, next week, next year, but somehow, it occurred to him later that day when he got home to his apartment, he’d forgotten along the way that today should also be something to live for.

He also discovered that he was terribly lonely. Yes, maybe everything with Abby had been too much too fast, but for a second there, he had been happier than he was right now. He had felt like he finally belong somewhere instead of waiting for the next day and then the next, never quite knowing why. None of them feeling quite right.

Buck stopped dead in his tracks, in the centre of his apartment. He turned around slowly, taking it all in. It looked like his house with his roommates did. Like something that was a temporary man den until they all had enough money to move out, move on, find their purpose. There were empty beer bottles all over the table, right next to the nearly impressive tower of pizza boxes. Buck had moved out of there a while ago, but he had never moved on. He changed, he turned into a better version, he thought so at least, but by the end of the day, he still returned to his old life, or that’s what it felt like.

He hadn’t lied to Bobby. He really wasn’t looking for something serious right now. He wanted something meaningful, though.

Buck sighed and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He felt like the walls were coming closer and he needed to get out. _Tomorrow_ , he told himself, not failing to see the irony in that, _I’m going to clean everything up. I’ll finally get my life together._

_”What do you take the most pictures of?”_

_”Chris- hm, Christmas.”_

_”Chris Hm Christmas, huh? He sounds like a cool guy.”  
_

_”You’re a dick.”_

_”Coincidentally, also what I take the most pictures of.”_

_”Buck.”_

_”I was talking about selfies._ I _am the what I take most pictures of. Not just that part of me, get your mind out of the gutter.”_

_”You wanted my mind there, don’t lie.”_

_”Look? It works, we get to know each other better every day.”  
_

_”What a joy.”_

”You want an iced tea to that,” Buck told Eddie, who was standing by the counter studying the menu over the head of the cashier. Eddie looked at him shortly and shot him a little smile, huffing out a little laugh.

”Yeah, I thought I would,” he said and then stepped forward when the customer in front of him finished up. ”Anything else you want, Buck?”

”Nah, I’m good,” Buck said and looked around the crowded McDonald’s some more. They didn’t usually go here but any harbour in a storm, it was the closest restaurant to both of their places and Eddie stressed that he had to be home by 10. Buck asked why but Eddie just waved him off.

Eddie nodded and turned back to the cashier. ”One iced tea, a McMenu and a 12 piece chicken nugget for my No — I’m — Good — Friend here."

Buck cocked his head to the side and couldn’t quite fight the smile that was spreading on his face. If only he could meet a person who’d know him as well as Eddie seemed to do. ”You know me too well, man.”

Eddie looked over his shoulder and winked at him, teasingly. ”Well, you don’t give me the chance not to. You force your fun facts on me every day.”

Buck scoffed and shoved him softly. ”You like that and you know it. I have you all figured out, Diaz. You love talking about yourself and also hearing my fun facts.”

Eddie smiled at the cashier and picked up their tray. ”Thank you,” he told her and then nodded at Buck. ”Pick a table. Also, just keep on lying to yourself like that.”

”I don’t lie,” Buck said over his shoulder on his way to a table near the back window. ”It makes me feel bad.”

Eddie sat down opposite to him and ate a few fries, nodding in thought. ”That’s good.”

Buck shrugged and took his chicken nuggets from the tray. He was chewing on his third one, just watching Eddie eat and listened to him say half sentences in between bites. He’s gotten to know him pretty well over the last few months. Buck loved the way things were between them, easy and unforced. He trusted Bobby and he trusted his team but it was still different with Eddie. It was deeper.

”Can I ask you something?” Buck said, dipping his fourth nugget into his sour creme but didn’t eat it.

”Since when do you ask that?” Eddie asked and put his burger down, obviously sensing that this was going to be a more serious conversation than the one they’ve been having before. ”What’s up?”

”Okay, this is probably gonna sound like a dumb thing to ask,” Buck prepared and shook his head at Eddie when he opened his mouth, obviously to disagree that there was such a thing as a stupid question. ”I just- have you been in a serious, long term relationship before?”

Eddie frowned and took a sip of Buck’s iced tea before answering. ”Well, I am 33 years old. I have a—,” Eddie stopped and began tapping with his fingers on the table. ”I’ve had my fair share of relationships.”

Buck nodded and played with his cup. ”And why did none of them stick?”

Eddie laughed softly and ate another fry. ”Some things are just not meant to be, I guess.”

”But do you miss it?” Buck didn’t quite know what he even wanted to know. Maybe just the reassurance that he wasn’t crazy for feeling like he wanted nothing serious and at the same time, he was ready to settle down. He just wanted to finally find the one person to do that with but then again, he didn’t mind being alone. He didn’t feel close enough to anyone to actually settle for anything. And also, responsibility was not really something he was looking for, not when he was still trying to figure himself out.

”Not right now, I’ve got my hands pretty full,” Eddie shrugged, his eyes filled with barely hidden worry.

”But doesn’t your apartment ever feel, I don’t know, lonely?” Buck asked further, knowing that he wasn’t hiding the painful truth behind his questions from anyone.

”Is that how you feel?” Eddie asked slowly. His eyes were shining brightly in the blueish light of the overhead lamps. Buck locked eyes with him for a moment and then looked down to the table. He knew that no matter what he’d say, Eddie already knew the answer to his question. Still, part of Buck felt like he needed to lie. As if he needed to keep his image up, his careless facade of somebody who didn’t have problems. He liked to be the person who others looked at and saw nothing but an easy life. He’s never been one who wanted anyone to actually realise that while yes, some people just had an easier life than others, he wasn’t one of those. He’s had his fare share of obstacles, there always seemed to be just something there that kept him from being actually happy.

He also knew that that something might be himself. He was well aware, deep down, that his life would be a lot easier if he would stop acting as if it already was.

Buck took a deep breath and looked out of the window. The parking lot was full of cars even though it was already late evening. There was a red, yellow and green car parked right next to each other. ”Look,” Buck said, pointing. ”It’s a whole traffic light.”

Eddie turned his eyes to see where he was pointing. He nodded and then turned his gaze back to Buck. ”I felt lonely a lot when I was in the army. Like I didn’t belong there, like there was something waiting for me at home that I was missing out on, while being overseas.”

Buck has felt ridiculous for his problems before, but now he felt his cheeks burning up in embarrassment. ”I didn’t mean to sound like I think I am the only person with problems on this earth,” Buck said silently, raising his cup to his mouth but only chewed on the straw instead of drinking.

Eddie shook his head and put his hand on Buck’s forearm. ”I don’t want to compare problems. I just want to tell you that, even though, I don’t think it’s the same kind of lonely that you feel right now, I still think I understand what you mean. I have never felt more alone than I did then. Being there with others, proud soldiers, waiting to get home to their loved ones, while I just stood in the middle of them, not knowing if I had anything to return to, but aching to get back to it anyway.”

”Have you found it?” Buck asked, feeling better but still a little bit as if he had just thrown a tantrum over absolutely nothing at all and Eddie thought so too, he was sure of it. Eddie’d go home and think Buck was weak. Still, somehow, a little bit of the tension in his shoulders seemed lifted, the weight he carried with him seemed to be slightly less heavy now. ”The thing you hoped to find once you came back home?”

Eddie smiled. It was a little private smile, so much so that Buck felt as if he was intruding by just sitting there and watch him look so heart achingly happy. He couldn’t help but smile a little too. Because maybe, he was just naturally unhappy, because maybe some people just had to be. But even though that might or might not be true, seeing his friends happy would forever be something that made him automatically feel less mad about the fact. If he had to be the unhappy one, so all people around him could lead the best life they could, then so be it.

”I did,” Eddie said and looked right at him with that blinding smile. Happiness radiated so strongly off of him, Buck swore he could feel it too for a moment. ”Buck, I did. And so will you.”

Buck scoffed, suddenly painfully fast pulled out of his easier headspace. Where for a second, only happy Eddie existed, and what could be so bad about the world, when this man looked so damn happy, honestly. ”I have no idea where to even start looking. I’ll just get back to my empty apartment and will find nothing. There is nothing, Eddie.” He took a deep breath and decided to, well, after he had already let all of that slide right past his control and opened himself up, he mightas well just continue like it. If Eddie was gonna think of him as an overdramatic mess later, he might as well judge him for the whole truth.

”There is nothing there, and it’s so heavy. I feel like I am drowning in it all, you know? I don’t know which way is up anymore. There’s no way out.”

Eddie narrowed his eyes shortly and squeezed Buck’s arm. ”Blow out a breath of air.”

Buck let go of the straw and just stared at Eddie in confusion. ”What?”

”Air bubbles go up,” Eddie shrugged as if he wasn’t fazed at all by anything Buck’s just said. ”That’s your way to go.”

Buck looked at him silently for a long while after that, frowning. He made everything sound so easy, had a solution together with foolproof plans from A -Z and back to A. Buck felt something in him growing warm with relief. The utter relief of knowing that he had Eddie in his corner. And suddenly, it seemed that maybe, somehow, maybe he could get there.

When he got home, he threw all the pizza boxes away. He collected the empty bottles. He washed the dishes. He didn’t find what he was searching for underneath all of the trash, but there was a little part of him that was still satisfied. He was going to take this one step at a time, and maybe, somehow, by the end of it, he’ll be happy. Just that and nothing else.

When he walked into the fire house the following day, he had his easy smile ironed back on his face. It looked so real, when he was checking it in the bathroom mirror that morning even he questioned for a moment if it really was faked.

_”Fave dessert? Mine’s Brownies.”_

_”Of course. How basic.”_

_”Oh. Oh, ok Mr. Chef. What’s yours then?”_

_”Blueberry muffins.”_

_”Excuse me? Man, that is favourite - colour - orange all over again.”_

_”Buck, don’t you dare starting that again.”_

”Have we found the deer she hit?” Buck asked and looked around.

Hen frowned up at him from where she was wrapping the woman’s arm with a bandage. Her car had taken the most damage, she was basically alright, only a few cuts on her upper arms from where the wind shield had burst. ”It probably fell down the hill.”

”Don’t we want to search for it? It’s injured,” Buck walked closer to the edge and looked over it.

”I don’t think there’s much to do for us there, Buckaroo,” Chimney called from the ambulance. Buck shook his head at him and clenched his eyes in the hopes to see clearer. He was not giving up before he found that deer.

Bobby, who had gotten another first aid kitfrom the truck, walked over to Hen. ”Chim’s right, Buck. When you hit a deer, you call 911, but we _are_ 911\. When we can’t find it, there isn’t much we can do for it.”

Buck scoffed and walked a bit along the edge, trying to see it somewhere. ”But we aren’t animal control services. Please, Bobby."  
  
”We don’t have enough people to start a search party for a deer, Buck. I’m sorry, I wish I could help, too,” Bobby said, in that honest sad way of his. Buck shook his head again.

”Buck,” Eddie said softly as he walked up to him. Buck didn’t turn and look at him. ”Here, I’ll help you look. If we see it, we can call animal control and they’ll take it from here, yes?”

Buck looked over at Eddie and couldn’t help the little smile that creeped its way onto his face, even though he was mad. It was weird. Sometimes, when he just stayed around Eddie long enough, he forgot that he was worried about maybe being sad forever. Maybe having a future with no one but himself. When he was around Eddie, he felt easier. Lighter. Less alone. ”Thank you.”

”What can I say, I know you are an animal lover in general, even though your favourite animals are lions,” Eddie shrugged and nudged his shoulder with his, while he looked into the distance, eyes wandering over the trees that grew below the edge.

They found it after looking for another 10 minutes. Bobby even gave in at one point and moved the truck so that the headlights were pointed towards the edge. It was Eddie who found it first and rushed to get a harness on to get down to get to it. Buck couldn’t stop smiling as he called animal control to help them.

When Eddie got back up, Buck rushed over and hugged him. He didn’t know why, didn’t want to think about why, he just knew that he felt the need to be close to him. To somehow show him that he appreciated his friend’s help, not questioning him, not trying to lecture him. Eddie huffed out a breath and then returned the hug with a warm chuckle.

”Thank you, man,” Buck said as he pulled away, letting his hand rest on Eddie’s side for a moment longer.

”You don’t ever need to thank me, Buck.” Eddie didn’t move out of his touch, he just stayed right where he was, smiling softly at him. He was facing the setting sun, his eyes were lit up to a light brown and for a second Buck really worried he might get lost in them. ”I got your back, you got mine, right?”

”Right.”

He felt like he had found much more than the deer. And whatever it was, it seemed to be exactly what he had been searching for. Whatever that meant.

_”Ok, what is your favourite song?”_

_”_ Que tire pa lante _. I don’t even know why, it was on the radio at Ambuela’s house and I fell for it.”_

_”Those are the best songs. The ones you love instantly, you know.”_

_”Mhm. So what is yours?”_

_”_ We are the champions _.”  
_

_”Seriously.”_

_”Don’t give me that look. Yes.”_

_”I suddenly get why you made fun of me for picking orange as my favourite colour.”_

_”Excuse me?”_

_”_ We are the champions _isn’t a favourite song.”_

_”You are right it’s so much more than that.”_

_”No.”_

_”Fight me.”_

_Eddie laughed with his head thrown back. ”What?”_

_”No time for losers, man. Bring it.”_

There had been clues. In retrospect, Buck knew that he should have seen it coming. He had been so busy running around, looking left and right and underneath everything to find his happiness somewhere, he overlooked what was building up right in front of him. It started off so small, grew steadily that Buck didn’t even notice it until he was in neck deep with nowhere to go and not sure whether he would if could.

It had been a slow day. There had been only one alarm till now and they’ve handled in just about an hour. Buck yawned and poured coffee in his cup and then Eddie’s.

”What are the traits you’d wish somebody would see in you?” Buck asked into the silence of the station. It was a more serious question than the ones before had been but it itched him to get the answer to it. It was something he thought a lot about when thinking about who he was.

Eddie drank a sip of his cup and then frowned at Buck. ”What?”

”A while back, I told Hen that I met Tommy, the firefighter who’d been here before me, at the gym. The first thing she said, was how nice he is. It made me wonder, you know?” Buck said and sat down at the kitchen counter, cradling his cup into his hands. He’s lost a good few hours just thinking about that. _He’s so nice!_ Hen had said without a second thought. He wondered if she said the same thing about him. If Tommy had told her that he had met him, would she have said the same? Would she have said something negative?

Buck found himself hoping that people saw that he was trying. He wanted to be somebody, who people just thought of as nice and pleasant to be around. It wasn’t as much the need to be liked as just the general reassurance that everybody around him understood that he always tried to think of others. He knew it fell short sometimes, but he really did try.

”I’d like them to see that I am good at my job?” Eddie asked, still sounding a little confused.

Buck shook his head and rubbed over his chin in thought. ”No, I meant like — When people talk about you, think about you. What would you like them to actively notice? The first thing to come to their mind when they hear your name?”

Eddie sat down opposite to him, his eyebrows drawn together in concentration. ”Honestly?” He asked after a beat, obviously having found his answer but not sure if he could just say it out loud. Buck got that. This was something personal, on a deeper level. It was who Eddie actually aspired to be, without anyone knowing but it was also what he thought of himself. ”How hard I work. I have a lot going on besides work and I am always running around, always trying to be wherever I am needed, make the life of others as easy as possible.”

”I see that you are working hard, Eddie. Not only here. Just all the times when you said you couldn’t hang out after work spontaneously tells me exactly that. You are busy and you are killing it, man,” Buck reassured, starring at Eddie for a while. He saw what Eddie meant. He’s never thought of it that way before but now that Eddie had brought it up, he understood. Eddie never seemed to stop and breathe, he was always right there, always helping, always ready to do what it took.

Eddie shrugged Buck’s words off as if they didn’t mean much to him, but Buck knew his friend better than that, so he let it slide. He knew that Eddie got a but flustered after opening up and needed a moment to come to terms with all of it. ”What about you?”

Buck had known that Eddie would ask. It was how this worked after all. They both answered the question. Buck swallowed and searched for the right words that wouldn’t make him seem to desperate. He knew that he wasn’t without faults, he knew that he’s had his errors and failures in his time. But he was trying.

”That I am trying,” he then said out loud, before he could overthink it too much. ”I am trying to be just a good person for other people. I hope they notice how I always try and remember any and everything they tell me, from sick kids to important anniversaries and back. I wish they would see how hard I try to do everything right.”

Eddie hummed and just looked at Buck for a moment. There was no judgement anywhere in his features, he just looked like he was deep in thought, trying to match Buck’s image of himself to the one he’s already had in his mind. The longer the silence held on, though, the more convinced Buck became that he was being judged and found wanting.

”I know I am cutting myself a bit too much slack here. I know what the team thinks of me —” He started, because he did. He knew that Bobby thought of him as still a little too irresponsible and Chim thought he was a little stupid and Hen saw him as a kid that had a lot of growing to do and that Eddie-Buck stopped in the middle of his thought. He actually could not quite put his finger on it.

”They love you,” Eddie interrupted him and frowned, staring at him like he was trying to find out if Buck was joking or actually serious.

Buck shook his head in confusion. He knew that his team loved him, that has never been what he was questioning. But he also knew what it actually was, that people thought of him. He knew that Hen would not have used the words _so nice_ to describe him to Tommy or anyone else. It was not his most distinctive feature for any of them and he had been lying to himself when he began to hope that it might be.

”Yes, I know that. But I also know that they all think of me as some reckless kid. Still green. Maybe a little dumb,” Buck shrugged as if it didn’t make him feel a little bit sick in his stomach to say that out loud. He knew they all saw him as impulsive and somebody who didn’t think too much about consequences, and they weren’t wrong either. He just wished that he’d made a different impression by now.

”Nobody thinks you are dumb, Buck,” Eddie said, stressing every words. He looked determined to make Buck see this as a fact or die on this hill.

”Sure,” Buck shrugged, as if it didn’t make a difference to him. It did, though.

”What you are convinced they see in you? It’s your insecurities, Buck,” Eddie said, more softly this time, putting his hand on Buck’s shoulder and squeezed. ”It’s always what we label as the worst of ourselves that we think is what people see immediately. I think everybody here looks at me and sees nothing but the fact that I am sometimes having trouble to deal with my emotions. That I get frustrated and lash out. Now tell me, do you look at me and think about my anger issues?”

”Why would I do that?”

”Exactly. Just because I think it is the worst thing about me, doesn’t mean everybody else sees it too and labels me for it. It stays what it is. An insecurity nobody looks too closely at but me.”

Buck starred at his best friend for a second. It made so much sense. For a moment it was as if his world just rocked into a straight perspective from where it had been angled before. He’s never considered that before. It made him feel so much better to just hear it, whether or not he fully believed it yet.

And then it just hit him. He was just about to look left, see if maybe somewhere his happiness was hiding there, when he got hit right in the face with it. He imagined his face must look like he’d just taken a punch right to the guts, it felt like it at least. It was his luck that Eddie was a bit too tired from whatever he had been up to the whole day yesterday to notice how all consuming surprised and dumbstruck Buck must look.

He was running around all day, searching for something, someone, just waiting until he could finally stop doing that and just be around Eddie. He never thought about searching for anything when he was near him. Whenever he was around Eddie, all his worries seemed to be cut right in half or disappear completely. He wasn’t unhappy when he was around Eddie. He never felt out of place or the need to pretend to be nothing but okay all the time. He trusted him unconditionally, with everything, every part of himself.

Buck cleared his throat and smiled at his friend with an easy smile, as if his words hadn’t touched him deeply. ”Well, how could we even see that. Everybody looked at you here and their first impressions were that you are handsome."  
  
Eddie laid his head back and laughed, loudly. Buck loved how easy it was from going from a really emotional and serious conversation back to an easy one. ”Why, thank you, Buck. You aren’t half bad yourself.”

”Don’t even act modest. You just happened to have you shirt off when we first saw you, I am sure.”

Eddie’s ears turned slightly red, and Buck was already sorting 5 different teasing jokes about it from funniest to easiest in his head. ”I was changing.”

”Coincidently,” Buck winked and ducked when Eddie threw a balled up napkin at him.

”Shut up, how was I supposed to know that all of you would just be watching me, you creeps.”

”What are you guys laughing about?” Hen asked who walked up the stairs with Chimney.

”Remember how Eddie showed off the first time he was here?” Buck asked, ducking away from Eddie’s hand, who tried to cover his mouth.”That is not what happened!”

”Oh, he was flexing _hard!”_ Hen laughed and poured herself a cup of coffee. ”A little bit more straining and his muscles would have snapped.”

Buck nearly missed Eddie’s defensive exclamation that was drowned by their laughter.

And he was okay, for a moment. Happy and content.

_”Have you ever had a broken bone?”_

_”A few. Worst one was my collar bone, though. I was wearing my uniform and getting that off? Worst pain of my life.”_

_”I broke two fingers once.”_

_”I bet that sucked. You are addicted to angry bird. Typing can’t have been easy.”_

_”Yeah. And my girlfriend at the time certainly wasn’t a fan either.”_

_Eddie huffed out a startled laugh and then rolled his eyes, laughing. ”Buck -”_

_”I’m just saying. That’s something you need to consider. Like, imagine if I weren’t so good with my mou-”_

_”Buck!”_

_Buck starred at his best friend, having to hold his laughter. He sticked his tongue out at him, which Eddie looked at for a beat too long and then threw his arm over his eyes. ”Stop that.”_

_”Are you blushing?” Buck couldn’t stop himself from laughing this time. ”If I didn’t know better, I’d call you a blushing virgin. Aw.”_

_”Just because not everybody is as open about their sexual intercourses as you are, doesn’t mean they are a blushing virgin.”  
_

_”Sexual intercourses. Sooo many sexual intercourses. Want more details? We could find out how far that blush spreads.”_

_”You are the worst.”_

_”But the absolute best aaat?”_

_”If you wait for me to answer with 'Sex' then you can wait for a long time, my friend.”_

_”Theoretically you did still say it, though. So why thank you, what a weird complement, but I won’t fight it.”_

_”The worst,” Eddie repeated but smiled at him. ”The absolute worst.”_

It was Maddie, who put it into words for him, though.

”He’s so easy to be around, Maddie. I can just talk and talk and never stop. It’s great.”

Maddie nodded and drank from her cup. She had one of her eyebrows raised and even her XXL You Miss 100% Of the Shots You Don’t Take - Cup couldn’t hide the little knowing smile that curled around her lips. Buck cocked his head to the side. ”What?”

”Nothing,” Maddie answered and put her cup down. ”So, how is everything else going? Figured out what you want yet?”

Buck took a deep breath and shrugged. He’s talked to Maddie about how confused he was about everything a while ago. It had eaten him up inside and still seemed to, whenever he forgot about it for a second, it came back full force. He looked at Bobby and Athena, Hen and Karen or Maddie and Chimney and he was jealous. So, he knew that now at least. He was ready for commitment. But he didn’t want just anything. He wanted _everything._ It was hard for him to actually see that clearly- He’s always thought he just was’t a relationship kind of guy, but now he really thought he might be. He wanted to find his _one_. He was tired of dating on off, seeing different people here and there, but never for more than a few months at a time. He wanted to settle. But he wasn’t sure if he could. He had the feeling that he might be the problem in all of this. Maybe he could never really love a person, not for long anyway.

He wanted someone who made talking to them easy. Who was funny and understanding. Who shared interests with him and understood him, his point of view.

”I want to be with someone like,” Buck scratched his head and then casted his eyes down. ”I don’t know. Someone like Eddie.”

Buck surprised himself for a second there with how honest that was. It was first time admitting it out loud to somebody. He didn’t know why he sounded so hesitant and unsure. He had thought about that so often. He wanted somebody he could goof around with like he could with Eddie. Who didn’t make him feel embarrassed about anything. Who made him feel safe like Eddie did. There had to be a person who he’d just connect with, instantly.

Her next words though kind of harshly shock his world view into place. “So why not date Eddie?”

Buck felt his brain flatline. It was as if from a second to the next, everything was quiet in his head. There was not a single thought rolling around, there was just big blank. Maddie raised an eyebrow at him and it felt like his brain rebooted, only one thought right there.

Did he want somebody _like_ Eddie or did he want Eddie?

He was terrified of the answer.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey you!!  
> This idea came to me at work and I was like 'uhh that has angst - potential.'  
> I know that the problem at hand is not really addressed in this chapter, but I love writing how they fall in love so I guess you have to deal with that fsddfdhkdj. 
> 
> I would love to read your opinions about it!! I always love getting comments :). I'll try and upload asap but I have 8043 other things I also write and also an essay for college that I should maybe kind of prioritise, uff. Faust, ufffff. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this story!! Have a great day <3
> 
> \- Nick


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